A letter to … my lost baby

The letter you always wanted to write

Source: The Guardian –  Read the full article and comment

I was surprised to find out I was pregnant with you because I had taken steps to avoid it. I cried. I was young, in a rocky relationship and already over-stretched with the care of your brother. The flat was too small, money was more than tight and I was halfway through my training. But I loved motherhood and believed that new life is always a gift, so there was never any question of an abortion.

Things would have to change, of course. I gave your father an ultimatum. He had to stop drinking and give me charge of the money until we could save for a better home. At first it seemed to work.

What I didn’t know was that you had a secret locked away in your DNA. It was the silence at the ultrasound scan that gave it away. The sonographer pointed to the black-and-white fuzz on the screen. “There’s the heart … You can see it beating.” Then silence. She must have known straight away. I could make out your head. She asked to be excused while she went to get a second opinion. I knew something was very wrong. They said there was fluid around the brain. I still have the photo of that scan. Your hands are clasped together underneath your head like you are sleeping and praying at the same time. This is the position you were born in….. Continue reading

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